There's a popular saying that when you live in the past, it creates depression, and when you live in the future, it creates anxiety. This phrase struck a chord within me, marking the beginning of a profound wake-up call.
Reflecting on my past, I often found myself trapped in a spiral of 'whys'—Why couldn't I have been born prettier? Why didn't my mother give me that? Why did they have more than me? While I could recall good times, they were often overshadowed by the joys others experienced, joys that I missed out on. This comparison brewed a quiet storm of sadness within me. A reminiscence of what I could never have.
Looking ahead, my mind was filled with uncertainties that bred anxiety—What will happen to me as I age? Who will care for me if my husband were to pass away or lose his job? What about my son, my grandson? How can we continue living in a world that seems to be in decline?
I realized I was creating my own depression and anxiety, crafting an internal narrative that undermined my peace.
That wake-up moment prompted a shift towards living in the present, though I won't pretend it was easy. My mind often wandered back to the future or lingered on past regrets. I struggled to focus on the here and now: What am I actually experiencing? What does it feel like to sit on this chair, to feel the wind on my face, to hear—by the way—all the cicadas buzzing around me?
These real moments, though fleeting, were pivotal. They didn't eradicate my feelings of depression or anxiety, but they illuminated how profoundly these feelings were shaped by my own thoughts.
This is my ongoing journey toward presence, an endeavor both challenging and rewarding. I've come to realize how deeply I am implicated in my own suffering—and how I might also be the architect of my own peace.
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If my life’s purpose is to light the way for others, then let my past sufferings serve as beacons of hope and learning.