I always knew Dylan was important to me. I would call him my sunshine, my sunlight. He was the good within the darkness of the world. Even his brother knew that Dylan represented goodness. He was wholesome, sweet, and loving. As a child, he would just wrap his arms around you and hold you so tight. His blonde hair haloed his head, and his big blue eyes and big lips just made you want to hug and kiss him and hold him forever.
People called him a mama's boy. They said I was too easy on him, that I held him too much, that I loved him too much. So, when my sweet baby boy grew into a man, I was so proud of him. He was tall and so handsome. He was my best friend. He was becoming his own person, and I was so, so proud of him—so proud of who he was and what he stood for. He was humble and kind, always offering help to others, with such wisdom for his age. He loved learning and questioned everything. He was still my baby although he had grown to become a handsome man.
So, when he was only 23 years old and lived just a couple miles from his me, visiting several times a week, his presence was a constant joy. When that 23-year-old boy was taken from me, to say my world was shattered and destroyed is an understatement. How would I recover? I needed my child. I still need him.
As the acceptance finally began to settle in that my child was gone—my 23-year-old humble, kind, strong, compassionate man who was my protector, my best friend, the goodness in my world, was gone—I began to feel guilty. Is it healthy that I need him this much and is my suffering to intense? People were telling me it's time to move on, to continue with my life, but my life felt void and meaningless without my sunlight and my child.
I tried to move on for them, for myself, for Dylan. It's a long, slow, tedious journey. For some my efforts are not good enough. It's never enough. I shouldn't be using my son's name as a reason for who I am or my behaviors. I should live for him and be happy with the time I had. But these opinions add to my guilt. I am no longer the same person, and I feel justified in explaining that. The loss of a child changes you at your very core. I lost something very valuable, and when you do, it makes it hard to understand the value of meaning and love, knowing the devastatingly high cost. I have tried to share the depth of my pain so that people can understand how much it hurts. If they can only understand the love of a mother for a child would that make my pain normal? For to love deeply means to feel deeply. This pain is a normal part of the loss of love.
For now, I continue to feel guilty for needing him while continuing to work on navigating a new life.
Understanding the Guilt within Grief
Grief is a profoundly personal experience, and the loss of a child is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure. The depth of my bond with Dylan, the light he brought into my life, makes my grief profound and my need for him intense. Feeling guilty about needing him is natural; it's part of the complex emotions that accompany such a loss. It is important to be aware of the multitude of emotions that come with grief as you begin to heal within your own loss. I know for some it is very hard to hear but there is a path forward from these complex emotions.
The Path Forward
Acknowledge Your Feelings:
It's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. It's okay to need your child and to grieve deeply. Your love for them is immense, and so is your grief.
Seek Support:
Surround yourself with people who understand your loss. This might include friends, family, or support groups for parents who have lost children. Professional counseling can also provide a space to express your feelings without judgment.
Take Your Time:
Healing is not linear. There is no set timeline for moving on. Give yourself permission to grieve at your own pace.
Find Meaning:
While your child's physical presence is gone, their impact on your life remains. Finding ways to honor the memory and keep their spirit alive can bring some comfort. This could be through acts of kindness, a memorial, or even small daily rituals that remind you of your child.
Self-Compassion:
Be kind to yourself. Understand that it's okay to struggle and that needing your child does not make you weak. It's a testament to the love you shared.
A Call to Reflect and Share
To those reading this, I hope my story helps you understand the weight of this guilt and the depth of this need. If you have experienced something similar, I invite you to share your own stories and the guilt you carry. How do you honor that guilt? How do you navigate the profound absence in your life?
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"If my life’s purpose is to light the way for others, then let my past sufferings serve as beacons of hope and learning."