As I sit down to write this, a whirlwind of emotions churns within me, pulling me in conflicting directions, a never-ending inner conflict. There are times when I wonder if there's a darker side to my nature, a side that could be considered evil. It's a perplexing thought because, at my core, I am someone who cannot bear to see another person suffer. The pain and anguish of others resonate so deeply within me that I often find myself overwhelmed by the sheer weight of empathy I carry. Yet, there's an undeniable part of me that harbors a fierce desire for retribution against those who inflict harm on others.
If it were within the bounds of the law, I sometimes think I would pursue these perpetrators, stalking them as prey. I know I would not remain a victim. This primal instinct feels as natural as it does disturb me. Is it this same feeling that propels the narratives of many favored tales and myths of legendary beings seeking justice in the world? Many favored hit TV series feature these heroes with supernatural powers and special abilities to hunt against supernatural threats. Is it unnatural to seek vengeance for those who have harmed you or those you love- to wish to feel the power and justice served from the heroes of the movies and books we love?
My fierce sense of justice drives this instinct. I see the world’s injustices and feel a deep-seated need to make things right. This isn't about the people I know personally who have harmed others, but rather the larger, faceless perpetrators of suffering. I often find myself more connected to the victims, feeling their pain and wanting to protect them. This intense empathy and compassion for those who suffer is what keeps me from acting on my darker impulses, despite the vengeance I wish at times.
At the same time, I am a person of profound empathy and compassion. The suffering I witness in the world around me cuts deep, making me feel as if I'm engaged in a war—a war where the forces of evil seem to outnumber the good, and where the good are often silenced, expected to accept the status quo. We live in a society that rewards the loudest and happiest voices while turning a blind eye to authentic suffering. Those who are open and vulnerable are often met with harsh words, physical abuse, emotional torment, and even sexual violence. And when victims dare to speak out, they are frequently met with blame and further victimization.
This pervasive injustice fuels a deep-seated vengeance and hatred within me, a burning desire to see the wrongdoers punished. Yet, despite this inner turmoil, I find myself unable to act on these dark impulses. Instead, I yearn for these same people to be compassionate, kind, understanding, towards others, to learn and become better. I have been called naive for believing in the good of people despite being outcast by others. I cry when I see suffering, no matter who the person is, and would without hesitation help anyone when they have fallen. This incapacity to harm, despite my intense feelings of vengeance, leads me to question my own authenticity. Am I false for feeling this way? Can I truly be considered evil if I am so deeply moved by the pain of others?
In my interactions with others, I often build rapport and find a deep interest in seeking a connection, to learn, to guide, help, or inspire. Yet when someone crosses my moral boundaries, the information I have can become a weapon. In the past, I have used it against those who have hurt me or others, striking where it would hurt the most. With age, deep introspection, and a desire to be a good person, I have matured, I've learned to restrain this impulse, recognizing the destructive path it leads to.
I have known my actions could be perceived by different people as evil in the past, but I strive every day to be a better person, a good person, a compassionate, non-judgmental, person. This dichotomy within me is difficult for others to understand, and often even more challenging for me to reconcile. It feels like a constant battle between the empathetic, compassionate part of me and the vengeful, justice-seeking side.
In seeking to understand this complex interplay of emotions, I hope to shed light on my true nature. Perhaps it's not about being good or evil, but about navigating the gray areas in between. It’s about acknowledging the pain and suffering in the world, feeling the weight of it, and choosing to respond with compassion, even when vengeance seems justified. This internal struggle might just be a part of what makes us human, striving to find balance in a world that often feels overwhelmingly unjust.
As I continue this journey of self-discovery, I hold onto the hope that understanding these conflicting emotions will guide me towards a path where empathy and justice can coexist, where I can be true to myself while striving to make the world a better place.
If this reflection on the duality of empathy and vengeance resonates with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment below sharing your own experiences and perspectives on the balance between good and evil within us as individuals.
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If my life’s purpose is to light the way for others, then let my past sufferings serve as beacons of hope and learning.