All too often, I see people pouring out their struggles, asking for help from those around them, whether it’s in support groups, from friends, or peers. Every time, there’s one particular response that makes me cringe: "You need to find yourself a counselor."
As a professional counselor, shouldn't I be recommending the same? I do believe in the importance of counseling. However, as someone who has faced my own struggles, a mother who desperately needed help, and a child who was struggling and needed support, I have a more nuanced view.
I would go to counselors and mental health professionals, telling them my story, often excited for the day, hoping maybe the answers would finally come, and that somebody would be able to help. Each time, it was the same: their responses indicated they had no clue what I was talking about. They had no idea about the life I had lived or was living. Yes, they knew about parenting, but not about parenting my child—the child who learned to manipulate behavioral psychology by age 5, who could hack a school's computer system by 7th grade, and who had no care for society's roles or guidelines. They had no idea how to raise him.
Maybe I truly was alone; maybe there was nobody else like my son. All I knew was that I was going to have to learn how to help him because nobody else had the answers.
As I moved into crisis counseling and then my own private practice, I realized I was definitely not alone. The people who came for help were getting the same thing I had from the mental health system. They were outliers, their struggles too incomprehensible for most counselors. I understand that counseling involves empathy, but I can't tell you how many clients I've had who shared stories of counselors who were anything but empathetic. Instead, I've heard more stories like my own—of clients who sought help but didn't feel heard or understood.
So, why do I cringe when I hear those words? Because I know how many people have desperately tried counseling and found it wanting. After my grief, I went to a counselor who kept yawning through most of the session. If I’m boring you, why are you taking my money? It didn’t leave me feeling better, and I definitely wasn’t going back.
So, if someone is reaching out to you and asking for advice, it might be because they believe you have something to offer, maybe even if you don't believe it yourself.
I want to emphasize that I do believe in the importance of counseling—to learn effective coping skills, to adapt, and to lead a healthier life. But I don't think counseling is the end-all and the only answer. Counselors don't always have the answers people need. Sometimes, those people are out in the community, next door to you or me, and they've been in the trenches—they know.
Just food for thought.
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If my life’s purpose is to light the way for others, then let my past sufferings serve as beacons of hope and learning.