Introduction
In this post, I want to share a deeply personal journey that has shaped me into who I am today—a mother, a healer, and a Licensed Professional Counselor. My experiences are woven with threads of love, loss, growth, and understanding. From motherhood's challenges to the complexities of blending families and navigating grief, my journey has been an evolving tapestry of personal transformation.
For those curious to explore what shaped me as a person and counselor, I hope this in-depth feature offers you an honest perspective into the triumphs and trials that guided my evolution. By unraveling these stories, I aim to illuminate how they influence my practice and life philosophy, revealing the profound ways that my roles as a mother and healer are intertwined.
This blog isn't a repository of all the answers but a place where I offer my unique perspective, woven from threads of everyday challenges and victories. Join me as we delve into the heart of these experiences, discovering together the power of resilience, empathy, and hope.
About Liz
I am Liz, and before anything else, I am unmistakably human—imperfect and perpetually learning. My various roles as a mother, stepmother, wife, daughter, and friend have carved deep grooves of experience into my life, shaping me in ways I continue to discover every day. While I bring to the table my professional expertise as a counselor, my intent here is to share more personally, as Liz—a woman who has faced life head-on.
My parenting journey began when I welcomed my eldest son, Dustin, into the world, and grew two years later as I celebrated my 21st birthday with the birth of my youngest, Dylan. From his earliest days, Dustin’s behavior was an enigma wrapped in a riddle. His boundless energy and unpredictable actions often baffled me, leaving me to wonder where I had gone wrong. Alarmingly resourceful, he could circumvent any safety measure we put in place, turning our home into his canvas and playground, often resulting in chaos—from spilled milk to walls scribbled with markers.
I vividly recall the heartache of the first time I felt forced to discipline him physically, when he was just three years old. I wept for hours afterward, my soul aching against spanking a child who couldn’t comprehend why I was upset. It was against every instinct within me; I abhorred violence. Yet, I found myself cornered by desperation, seeking solutions in places I never thought I would.
Amid these intense challenges, the judgment from others was suffocating. It felt as though every accusing stare and whispered word was a direct criticism of my parenting, a loud declaration of my supposed failures. This external judgment only intensified my internal turmoil, compounding the loneliness to my already heavy burden. I was doing everything I could in a loving, nurturing environment, yet it seemed to the outside world, and occasionally to myself, that it was never enough.
Turning to Education: A Quest for Understanding
As I faced the relentless challenges of parenting Dustin, whose vibrant spirit and unpredictable behaviors defied every textbook and expert I consulted, my heart sank deeper with each passing day. The journey to find answers took us through a labyrinth of medical and psychological evaluations, each more confusing and contradictory than the last.
In the beginning, each visit to a specialist brought a flicker of hope—hope that this time, we might finally understand what was driving Dustin’s actions. But these hopes were quickly dashed as we were handed a bewildering array of possible diagnoses: ADHD, OCD, Bipolar. The labels varied, but the certainty I craved remained elusive. Each diagnosis felt like a guess, each treatment, a stab in the dark.
One particularly disheartening moment came when a therapist told me, "If you were to take symptoms from multiple diagnoses in the DSM and put them together, you'd have Dustin." This statement, meant to encapsulate the complexity of Dustin’s condition, left me feeling more hopeless. It seemed no one could pinpoint what was truly going on, let alone how to help him.
The recommendations for medications followed. Each prescription carried a promise of relief, but the reality was far harsher. The medications didn't soothe his turmoil; they amplified it. Watching my son struggle with intensified behaviors was unbearable. It was a cycle of trial and error, each round eroding a bit more of our hope.
Through it all, the isolation deepened. I felt misunderstood by those who were supposed to help us. Their nods of understanding seemed hollow, their solutions out of touch with our reality. The frustration was palpable, and the loneliness profound. It was a journey marked not by milestones of progress but by a growing realization that if answers were to be found, I would need to uncover them myself.
In my deepest moments of despair, I made a decision that would pivot the direction of our lives—I would return to school to study mental health counseling.
This journey was driven not just by my desire to help Dustin, but by a profound need to unravel the complexities of mental health that seemed so critical, yet so elusive. The cries for mental health awareness were loud, but what I saw was a field in disarray, leaving many like us feeling abandoned and utterly alone. My pursuit of education was not merely academic; it was a quest for understanding, a search for a lifeline that could possibly bring clarity to our lives and offer hope to others drowning in similar struggles.
The classrooms and countless academic texts introduced me to theories and practices that went far beyond the conventional approaches that had failed us. I delved into child psychology, behavior management, and crisis intervention, each subject shedding a little more light on the possible pathways to better support Dustin. But perhaps more importantly, I learned how to critically assess each method, tailoring approaches that specifically suited Dustin's unique needs.
This educational pursuit was not easy. It came with its sacrifices and moments of doubt—balancing studies with family life and the ongoing turmoil at home.
My peers, whose lives seemed untouched by such harsh realities, often viewed my family’s struggles through a lens tinted with prejudice and misunderstanding. The sting of isolation was sharp—especially poignant was when my peers began to imply safety concerns over a "section 8 apartment complex" down the street from the University. It was a stark reminder of my own living situation. Their words unwittingly deepened the shame and alienation I felt, painting me as an outlier in a world that prided itself on empathy and support.
As I navigated my educational journey, I felt increasingly isolated. The very professionals I had hoped would understand were often the ones behind unintentional judgments, relying on research and data over personal recounts and experience. My clients, the only ones who might truly understand my struggles, were off-limits for personal sharing due to professional boundaries. It was a lonely path, but it was also one that brought invaluable lessons.
Yet, in this educational pursuit, amid the sea of judgment and misunderstanding, I found invaluable lessons. I learned to set boundaries that protected my mental health and to communicate more effectively with my children, recognizing and valuing their emotions and experiences. Mindfulness became a fluctuating beacon in my life, guiding me through my own battles with depression and growing anxiety about our future.
Turning to education opened my eyes to the limitations and sometimes the failures of the systems in place, but it also introduced me to a community of others experiencing similar challenges. It didn't provide all the answers, but it gave me the tools to start asking the right questions and to begin reshaping a reality that had often seemed bleak and unforgiving.
For the first time I began to see the glimmers of hope—not just for managing the present but for shaping a future where Dustin could thrive on his own terms. It would still be a battle with tensions and hardships but it was a step in the right direction.
Crisis, Insights, and the Path to Letting Go
As I journeyed deeper into the world of mental health after my education was completed, I stumbled upon transformative insights that began to reshape our lives. One pivotal moment came when I read The Defiant Child: A Parent’s Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It sparked a realization: every time I reacted emotionally, Dustin 'won'—that was why he was pushing my buttons to begin with! This understanding, coupled with the mindfulness practices I was integrating into my life, set me on a path of proactive non-reactivity. I aimed to be the calm in our storm, though mastering these skill was anything but easy.
This new approach was messy and fraught with daily challenges. It wasn't about perfecting non-reactivity, but about evolving our relationship in a way that allowed us to connect on a deeper, more understanding level. I am eternally grateful for the new relationship I forged with both of my children, especially Dustin. It wasn't the smooth, serene journey one might imagine; it was real, raw, and incredibly tough. But through it, I learned the profound lesson of acceptance—the acceptance of life's inherent ebb and flow of good and bad days.
In the worst of our crises—through Dustin's self-harm, his struggles with alcohol addiction, the horrifying discovery of my apartment in shambles, his medication induced hallucinations, and the heart-wrenching times I had to call the police to ensure his safety—I learned to respond without reacting as if it was personal or about me. I began to see he was crying out for help. I just needed to learn a new language to hear what he was saying. This shift in me, this ability to offer unconditional love and understanding amidst chaos, marked a turning point. Dustin felt this change. Though he faced consequences for his actions, he also felt truly seen and supported, perhaps for the first time in his life.
This journey of transformation was not only about Dustin. It also opened a new chapter with my younger son, Dylan. As Dustin's situation stabilized somewhat, and as I prepared to move out of state, leaving Dustin at 17 with his grandparents, my relationship with Dylan blossomed. I came to understand and appreciate his introverted nature more deeply. We became not just mother and son but also friends, bonding over our shared love of learning and our quiet, reflective natures. This deepening bond was another testament to how far we had come, a sign of the healing and growth that were possible even in the face of ongoing turmoil.
I was learning the valuable lesson of acceptance—acceptance of life as it is: complex, unpredictable, and often painful, yet also filled with moments of profound connection and understanding. This acceptance has not only helped turn Dustin's life around; it has transformed my own.
The Rollercoaster of Dreams
After years of turbulence, life finally seemed to be smiling back at me. I fell in love with a wonderful man who brought three young children into my life. The days of struggling and feeling lost were replaced by a newfound stability and joy.
Learning to blend our new values—different from those I grew up with or had adopted as my own—presented challenges and learning curves. At the heart of this new family dynamic was Dylan, who became a solid, guiding presence for his younger stepbrothers. He instilled in them a passion for learning and knowledge, and his quiet support bridged the gaps between the varied personalities coming together. As a family, we navigated the complexities of establishing boundaries and adapting our previous notions of parenting into a workable model that embraced the strengths and differences of our blended family.
However, as is often the case, children grow up and leave the nest. In 2021, Dylan moved out, and it felt as though my world had collapsed. Dylan had always been my silent, supportive presence through the darkest moments of motherhood—my sunlight and best friend. His departure forced me to confront the unresolved trauma of my childhood: a past marked by feelings of being unloved, a need for control, and the impossibly high standards of perfectionism I had set for myself. The emptiness that followed led to a distressing pattern of binge eating and profound loneliness in the absence of Dylan's companionship. Without his grounding influence, the solitude became a daily struggle, revealing just how deeply rooted my wounds were and how much healing I still needed.
Despite these challenges, I found resilience. My husband and I married in 2021, and by 2022, we had moved into our first home together. Shifting from crisis management to running my own private practice allowed me to settle into a slower pace of life, perfectly aligned with this new chapter. But just as I began to savor this fairytale existence, heartbreak struck in a way I never imagined. My world was turned upside down in an instant, and everything I thought I knew was shattered within a blink of an eye.
On a night that was meant to be a joyous celebration—my stepson's ninth birthday—tragedy struck. Dylan had come over to help with the party and later went for a walk. He never came back. That night, we received the devastating news that Dylan had been killed in a horrific DWI hit-and-run. He was only 23. The shock was indescribable; the foundation of the beautiful life I had just begun to enjoy crumbled instantly.
In the wake of his loss, relationships and mental health were left in ruins as I tried to process what this could mean. Why Dylan? Why my child? It seemed cruel and unnatural, like some twisted joke. The pain was surreal, and I found myself dissociating, locked in my own shell, waiting day in and day out for my son to return from his walk I knew he never would.
Seeking Solace in Alternative Paths
In the aftermath of Dylan's sudden death, traditional forms of therapy seemed insufficient to mend the gaping wound in my heart. The pain was existential, transcending what words could describe or what an hour of therapy each week could heal. During this time of profound grief, I turned toward alternative healing paths that I had only touched upon superficially before.
I delved deeper into transpersonal psychology and shamanic healing—approaches that integrate spirit, body, and mind, offering healing beyond conventional frameworks. These methods weren't just about coping; they were about connecting to a deeper part of myself and the universe, seeking peace and understanding in a reality that had so cruelly taken my son away.
Through applied shamanic counseling, I began a journey that opened up new realms of healing I had only briefly touched before. In the simplest terms, the sessions involved guided imagery through deeper states of consciousness and meditative practices that allowed me to connect with Dylan’s spirit in a way that brought solace and a sense of continued bond. The classes offered me a unique perspective, but my rational mind, steeped in conventional mental health culture, often shut it down. After over a year of practice, I found myself drifting away, recognizing that while this path was right and offered the depth I needed, my emotional and mental energy were depleted, and I needed to rest.
I came to understand the importance of this unique form of healing, whether as a true believer or simply one who appreciates the symbolism that serves as a bridge to the unconscious. I feel it can be useful regardless of your belief system as a means to explore unconscious motivations when people are stuck or unable to move forward. I will always honor the inner resources this path revealed and aspire to return to the practice where my heart found peace.
Where We Are Now: Continuing Our Healing Journey
As I sit down to write these words, my healing journey is far from over. Life continues to unfold as a mosaic of good and bad days—filled with joy, pain, growth, and resilience. My relationship with Dustin remains complex, a delicate dance of communication and mutual understanding that we navigate day by day. Each interaction is a learning experience, each day a step toward a deeper understanding of each other and ourselves.
I'm learning to assert boundaries that were compromised in past relationships, which affected my need for self-love and approval. My marriage is a work in progress, but that's because we're two individuals still learning to communicate and blend our values. We embody a yin and yang dynamic, and by embracing our differences, we can harness our collective strength as a team. As a stepmother, I'm finding my role as a supportive cheerleader and advocate for three young boys who have faced tremendous loss and are navigating their own challenges as they grow.
We sold our previous house, unable to live so close to the source of heartache, and now have a simple home on three acres—a fairy-tale retreat where I can find peace and solitude. I am more attuned than ever to my sensitive nature and continue to work on my growth, recognizing my flaws and striving to overcome unhealthy habits. Writing is one way I aim to rediscover my passion and motivation.
Reflecting on my role and identity as a mother has led to deep introspection about parenting. These reflections haven't been easy; they have challenged my self-perception and pushed me to confront uncomfortable truths. Yet, they're crucial for growth. With each blog post, I plan to share these raw, unfiltered pieces of my life, examining what I could have done differently and the actions I regret.
This process isn't just for personal catharsis but aims to foster dialogue—from my heart to yours. I aim to peel back the layers of trauma that our family has endured and continues to endure, seeking to understand each person's perspective and how they were affected then and now. This journey through our past, with its shadows and light, is how we grow and heal, not just as individuals but as a community.
By sharing these experiences, I hope not only to navigate my own path to healing but also to support others who might be grappling with similar challenges. Together, we can break open the trauma, examine it, and hopefully find a way forward that brings peace and understanding.
So, as we continue on this path, I invite you to join me. Your stories, struggles, and insights are welcome here. This is a place for us to learn from each other, support each other, and grow together. Let’s embrace life's complexity with open hearts and minds, ready to transform pain into wisdom and healing.
Join Our Journey of Healing and Discovery
If you found value in this post and want to accompany us on this path of understanding and growth, consider subscribing to our blog. By subscribing, you'll get updates on new posts and exclusive content that continues exploring these essential themes. Your support means we can keep creating content that makes a difference. Subscribe here to stay connected and informed.
Support My Work with a Cup of Coffee
If you enjoyed the insights shared here and would like to support the continued development of this website, consider buying me a cup of coffee. Just like your favorite coffee, every contribution, whether big or small, helps fuel this blog and our community. Select the size that suits you: Small ($1), Medium ($3), or Large ($5). Your support is greatly appreciated!
If my life’s purpose is to light the way for others, then let my past sufferings serve as beacons of hope and learning
Community Guidelines and Privacy Notice for Comments
Welcome to our community! We strive to create a safe and welcoming space for everyone to share, learn, and grow. As you engage with others here, please remember the following:
1. Privacy Caution: This is a public page. Be mindful of your personal privacy when commenting. Avoid sharing sensitive or highly personal information. Remember, what you post can be seen by others.
2. Respectful Communication: We value diverse views and encourage open-minded discussions. Please communicate your thoughts respectfully and considerately. Different perspectives are welcome here as opportunities for understanding and growth.
3. Zero Tolerance for Hate: We do not tolerate hateful, bullying, or derogatory comments. To maintain a supportive environment, any comments deemed to be in violation of this principle will be removed immediately, no questions asked.
4. Safety and Security: We are committed to keeping this community a safe space for everyone. If you see comments that violate our guidelines, please report them. Together, we can ensure that our community remains supportive and secure.
By participating in the comment section, you agree to abide by these guidelines. Let's keep our discussions constructive and our community strong.
Thank you for being part of our journey!